Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm not real sure....

Hello World....

Thank you for tuning in - it's December 28th 2012 and as I look back on my emotional rollercoaster type life i'm not real sure about what I'm doing.

I've been given a few opportunities but I seem to self-sabotage right when I get to the "blessing" part and then that makes me wanna back off and not do what i'm supposed to do.  Forward movement is truly the key but when one side wants to move forward and the other wants to hibernate and hide in a bottle it's a little hard to really function.  I mean really focus and function.  That damn imp named "self-sabotage" and guess what part of that word is "self" *gasp* which means it's in my control.  [raise ya hand if you want to just step on your own toes until you snap yourself out of "it".]  *ARGH!!!*  [hand is raised]

So even as I bask in the warmth of the positive vibes that I am surrounded by with my friends, which (by the way) also keep me grounded and motivated to go forward. LOL!!  Even as I bask and move forward I have moments of panic and  stopped motion.  Sad but true.  I really just want to (and i've said this before) either:
1. go back to the 1980s and catch myself right before i turn my motivation off

or

2. Find me a hypnotist that can turn off the negativity in my brain

i've wasted too much time even thinking about it..2013 I shall concentrate on thinking about the positive outcomes AND to stop putting myself down and speaking back/stupid outcomes into existence!  I shall! I shall! I shall!

In Jesus name....Amen!

*peace and blessings~~and happy kwanza*

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Days like this...

Hello World....

it's a few days before Christmas which, for the first time ever, doesn't mean traveling for me.  yep this year christmas and new years will see me here in Atlanta, GA.  i messed around and double booked myself for christmas parties..LOL..so i'll be doing some traveling looks like, but not 12 hours worth. (whew!)

anyway, today is Sunday 12-16-12 and church was great (wileyjackson.org) at Gospel Tabernacle.  Yep i'm still upstairs in the audio ministry and Bishop Jackson continued his sermons on "the purpose of the church". Today's was NICENESS - II Corin. 5 - 1. to be a place of reconciliation 2. to be a place to share your gifts 3. to point others to the solution - at the end, Bishop prophesied that God would reconcile our life/make all of the transactions balanced.  A definite shouting moment but my mind went to "but what if your imbalance is due to your own stupid choices/actions...then what?" but i reveled as much as i could, definitely enjoyed seeing others get their shout on.

Came home to a clean home and continued washing clothes and need to wash the dishes i dirtied yesterday.  Need to write my scholarship letters to get some $$$ for the spring and possibly fall next year.  i'm officially out of student loan $$.  it's amazing the colleges increase tuition but the fed govt forgot to do the same increase of how much students can borrow.  isn't that amazing?  So this is one of those days that I have a tumbler with something brown in it chillin' around the crib.  LOL! There was nothing left this month for DirecTV so i'm watching DVD movies and hitting up the internet for entertainment.  one of my fb connects DJ Loweki has shared his podmatic link so i'm on here checking out his live mixes and i'm hooked.  He has my attention right now. So i have my laptop hooked up to my surround sound system jammin'.  i don't want my downstairs neighbor upset so the subwoofer is turned down. LOL. yep i was one of the 90's teens rolling around in my mama's car with the boomin' system! LOL! thanks Nissan for hooking that Stanza up like that! Niceness!!

It's chilly outside and raining. This is one of those days me and my hunny would've cooked together and would be eating and chillin' together at the house. snuggling and stuff.  Days like this....so you ask " so where he at, why that ain't happening?" oh yes because i'm single. O_o  and it seems that all of the men that seem to be interesting and are equipped with the right equipment are taken.  :-(

i'm still working that corporate j.o.b. mon-friday 8a to 6p as an admin.  they call me an office manager but i know the real deal. i didn't get any extra extra money for the extra benefits. so whatever. the upside is i'm getting to work with our visual media group doing some audio stuff. this should be nice!

Days like this....sometimes i vaguely remember what it was like to be a wife...before he revealed his true assholeness, it was nice. i can be honest and say that.  HOWever, these days i'm trying to start to a new a career so don't need control freak issues happening. and i just realized, i haven't done a black tie event in awhile. i was just talking to one of my cousins about doing one a month and realized i hadn't done it. i used to hit up black ties on a regular. i haven't purchased a gown or cocktail dress in a looooong time.  not a good thing!

Days like this....unlike the song, my mama didn't tell me anything about days like this. i discovered them on my own.  I have an arrangement in my head for a gospel song that I love..i need to get it recorded ASAP and upload it to my sound cloud and reverbnation page.  If i don't use it i'll lose it.

ok heading back to my tumbler.

*peace and hair grease*

Monday, December 10, 2012

What would you do for a klondike bar?

Hello World...

*click for your blog music*

You see the post title? LOL! Got your attention didn't it? Well i'm glad your curiousness got the best of you.  At this point in my life, I feel like I'm still not making the best choices.  My free will is turning into brick walls instead of free will type choices to set me free.  I'm trapping myself in a box instead of freeing myself with ALL of the possibilities that my talents and gifts have given me. I see other people around me that have used their talents the right way that are achieving that are achieving that are achieving....

I feel like i'm failing, failing, flailing flailing...and in a few minutes i'm about to make a "lesser of two evils" decision to escape the results of yet another error in judgement on my behalf.  At 40, you'd think i would've figured out how not to get on the hamster wheel but it's slowly starting to feel that way.  You see i'm damaged goods in more ways than one.  Nice to look at but poisonous to the touch...  So what do you do when you keep fucking up? How and why would God continue to help me when my latitude/longitude is due to my mindless wandering.

At this point, i'm out of undergrad student loan money..i did have the two classes picked for the Spring 2013 semester and I was about to start looking for the additional funds I'll need after using the very last $$ I have available and then last Wednesday, I get a text that my Spring bill was available to look at and then it showed a credit balance which alarmed me.  I had to pay out of pocket for the Fall 2012 semester so I knew i'd have to do the same next semester.  The second class that was perfect (friday - 1pm) for my work schedule was cancelled.  So now i have to look for another evening/weekend class.  evenings...a few..weekend...not at all.  Film/Video major/Music minor - i'm a senior at GSU and so now truly the majority of my classes are during the day.  *what to do?* i mean all faith stepping stones led me to GSU, now what? i'm writing scholarship letters and applying so it's not like i'm sitting on my hands. I do seem to have more connections in the Audio world that will pickup soon.  I've been approached more than once about doing "marketing" work which scared me because that word always equated to frustration to me.  Mainly because it includes something else i don't care for, that's research.  But as I take this faither walk guess what i have to do ..research. I don't know, i'm not trying to sound perfect, holy and sanctimonius, this is me...this is it. I'm flawed. BIG time.  And at the same time, i'm irritated.  Not to the brink of tears right now but i just feel confused.

The title says "what would you do for a klondike bar?"  My klondike bar is a hypnotist that can take away this crazy ass mindset that I'm less than. yep i said it....a continuous low-level depression state will slowly chip away and make you feel that way.  I feel like my decisions have limited the plans that the Almighty had for me because i KNOW this can't be it. i'm tired of always waving my hand and saying hallelujah everytime a preacher preaches about making out of something and going from broke to rich.  I want to finally wave my hand and say "Lord thank You for bringing me out."  That thang nestled in my brain and has seem to grow almost as thick as the kudzu that plagues Atlanta.  i have too much crap to do to constantly battle over this.

Anyway, what would I do? My honest to blue truth is to keep the faith and make better decisions and trust God to do what He said He'd do.  Like all theories, it sounds great on paper.  But putting it into Action...a different story.  speaking of Action, everytime I go to church - Gospel Tabernacle Church-Atlanta - my Pastor hits it on the head for me and our ministry's motto is: Word in Action.  Everytime I hear that, my mind chuckles and says "we're a verb church". LOL!

As i close, my suggestion to you is to write down your thoughts when you are in crisis.  By the time you get to the end, you'll have a decision.  AND pray and ask God to speak with you even in a dream to get an answer. (is what i'll be doing)

*peace and blessings*

Music credit:
Via youtube.com
Randy Crawford
Ahmad
Mariah Carey
Kool & The Gang
Avery Sunshine